Early morning babble...

"Typical LoliClown morning routine." 

I just got back from dosing at the clinic, and picking up Gatorade for my love at the store, and I'm sitting here enjoying my morning cigarette and coffee, taking my morning injections, watching the news, and planning out my day. My love is still incredibly ill, as am I, so I really don't know how much I can actually get done under these circumstances, but I will try my best. I was a bit uneasy when I first woke up, and I still feel a bit off, but am finally starting to calm down now that I have my cigarette and coffee. If it doesn't go away within the next hour or so, I may pop a Xanax or two, just to get through the morning hustle. Fortunately, for me, anyway, it's going to be a lot cooler today than it was yesterday. It's cloudy, and there's a thick drizzle outside, so I have the window open to let the nice, cool, damp, air in. It smells wonderful, and offers a certain kind of calm that I can't get anywhere else. I'm hoping this will be enough to calm me down so I won't need to pop any Xanax, but, we'll see. Hot weather makes me incredibly irritable, uncomfortable, and makes me ill by driving my blood pressure up, so this is a very welcome change of weather, especially because we're in the middle of the Summer months. They're on the weather segment of the news, and are saying that we should also expect some thunder and lightening later in the day. I really hope they're right, because I absolutely ADORE thunder and lightening! It's so beautiful, and such an amazing thing to behold in my opinion. So, I likely have that to look forward to later on- I'm keeping my paws crossed.
I'm hoping my stomach will let me eat something today, because I'm incredibly weak, and noticeably anemic now- my gums, tongue, finger nails, and under my eyelids are white, indicating a drop in red blood cells, meaning, simply, anemia. When I pricked my finger with a lancet earlier to check my blood glucose, I barely bled at all, so I ended up pricking it a total of seven times before I got enough blood for a reading- so annoying. I hate anemia. I used to follow a vegan diet, which I loved how it made me feel overall, until I dropped under 95lbs (6.7 stone for my non-American readers), and was diagnosed with absolute iron deficiency anemia. With that diagnoses, I was told that my body currently cannot handle a vegan diet, much to my dismay. Luckily, I don't have to eat meat every single day, just twice a week is sufficient according to the doctor, but it's hard to meet even that requirement with the gastroparesis because I can barely even keep liquids down on a bad day! The whole thing is super annoying, and I hate it... not to mention the excruciating pain it causes, but that's a whole other story that I don't want to get into right now.  Yesterday, all I could keep down was coffee, tea, and water, so that's why I'm in my current position, so I'm hoping today will be better, and that I can eat. So far, my coffee and medications are staying down fine, so I'm off to a good start.
Anyway, I'm off to go take a shower, write my shopping lists for the day, and run errands. I want to get as much done as possible in these early morning hours before much of the world is up. I'll likely be back later to write about my day.

~xoxo LoliClown 

Sick, but productive...

"I haven’t slept all night, and I’m running on empty… luckily my cab driver is nice (he says my hair reminds him of Lady Gaga). Must get coffee as soon as fucking possible… It’s too early for meetings."

Today started off pretty horribly. For starters, I hadn't gotten a wink of sleep the night before, and was already feeling pretty ill after drinking a whole pot of coffee to my head on an empty stomach. Add that to my ongoing problem with gastroparesis, and it's a recipe for disaster. I had to leave the house early, around 6am, to get to the methadone clinic because I had a really busy schedule for the day, and wanted to get it out of the way as soon as possible so that I could focus on the rest of my tasks and errands for the day. Anyway, after taking my daily methadone, my gastroparesis immediately started acting up, it took every ounce of strength I had to keep it down, and I won that battle, thankfully, so at least I'm safe from being dope sick until my next dose. After taking a quick break at home, I got myself ready pretty quickly; did simple makeup, picked out a cute, yet, simple outfit, called a cab, and was out the door onto my next appointment within minutes. I had a meeting with my insurance company, and had to get a doctor to check me out to see if I was still eligible for the benefits I've been receiving. Of course I passed the physical test, because while I was waiting to be seen, my gastroparesis kicked into overdrive, and I vomited blood all over the waiting room of the office... in front of everyone. They all looked so horrified, and concerned, yet, we're very polite and helpful. I had to reassure them numerous times that I didn't need an ambulance, and that I would be OK. Truth be told, I really DID need an ambulance, but I just wanted to get things over with so I wouldn't have to reschedule this damn meeting once again, so I washed myself up in the bathroom, and went on with it. They took my blood pressure and pulse, which both were understandably extremely high, asked me a bunch of questions, including what my preferred gender was! I was surprised to be asked such a question, and equally surprised that the doctor knew what "genderfluid" meant. This is the first time, ever, that I didn't have to explain what it meant to a medical professional, so that was definitely the highlight of my day. We're making progress! Yay! Anyway, I passed the physical test, and will still receive coverage for my medications, not including those for mental health- I have to return to the office on the 16th to do the mental health part of the exam, but, according to the doctor, I should be approved and covered there as well, so, that's a huge load off my back, and I'm a little less stressed now. I was legitimately worried that I'd get my benefits cut off or something, because I like to needlessly worry about that kind of shit all the time. But, seriously, even though I make enough money to buy food, pay bills, and have a bit of  a social life, I absolutely DO NOT make enough to cover all of my medications and diabetes supplies. I added all the costs up, and it turns out that without my insurance, it would cost me roughly $5550 to just keep myself alive every month. There's no way in Hell that I could afford that, so, it's a good thing that I get to keep my insurance and my benefits, otherwise I'd be dead. Haha.
I'm finally done with all of my errands, so can finally relax for the rest of the day, and have time to write this blog. I'm still pretty sick, so I'm watching myself carefully so that I don't have to go into the hospital again tonight... it's looking pretty grim though. That was a lot of blood I threw up earlier, so I'm worried I may have ruptured something again- probably another upper GI tear, or an ulcer. I get them all the time because of the gastroparesis. Another unfortunate thing is that my boyfriend is currently sick as a dog, which is why I had to take a cab in the first place, instead of him driving me to my appointment and meeting earlier. I hate it when he's sick, because I worry so much, and as a chronically ill person, I'm not used to taking care of other sick people than myself, so I'm pretty bad at it. He's such an angel though. Not too demanding, and very understanding that I'm sick as well, so there's only so much I can do to help him at the moment. My ex was the complete opposite. He always got what I and many others call a "man cold". He just turned into a giant baby who needed his fucking milk brought to him and his bottom powdered. Ugh! It was absolutely pathetic to see a grown man act in such a way. I'm not with him anymore, so now his new girlfriend can deal with that bullshit, haha. Sorry to sound bitter, but acting incompetent and pathetic, and expecting to be waited on by others while you're sick with a minor illness, such as a cold, when you're a grown ass adult is one of my biggest pets peeves of all. I simply can't stand it! I makes me lose very much respect for any person who displays such behavior. It's so highly unattractive. Anyway, my current love isn't like that at all. He's pretty tough. The most he asks for is a glass of water from time to time, and lots of hugs and kisses. I'm very grateful to him for being so wonderful all the time. Anyway (I sure do say that a lot) I'm going to wrap this up and go take a nap with my love, as I've not slept all night, and it's 4pm now. So, good night (day?) all!

~LoliClown